What, you’re thinking gratitude is limitless? Just try to blog about it nonstop, and get back to me. I’ve been feeling a bit penned in by the gratitude challenge lately. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been giving me a lot, and my perspective drastically needed the shift it’s been getting. That said….
No one can be perpetually grateful. If I were better able to balance the gratitude posts with grittier ones, I might feel a bit less stifled. Unfortunately, I keep falling behind on the gratitude challenge, so when I’m able to sit down to write, I feel obligated to try to catch up. Especially lately, when I’m not even certain how far I am behind. I’ve noticed it feels awkward to juxtapose the gratitude posts with less positive ones. If I follow a gratitude post with a post complaining about something, I feel like it diminishes the gratitude. It shouldn’t, but somehow it does. Meanwhile, writing solely about things I am grateful for leaves me feeling unsatisfied, and vaguely like a pot that’s about to boil over. Clearly I need to find some balance, but that will mean finding more time. As it was, I started this post late last night, in bed. Avery was still wide awake, and kept peppering me with questions:
What are you doing, Mommy?
Do you want to play Patty Cake? (I stopped to play.)
Do you want to play dollies?
No, I want to write.
Do you want to play Tag?
In bed? No, that makes no sense.
Go to sleep, Avery!
I ended up giving up. So now it’s late afternoon the next day, and this is the first chance I’ve gotten to write since last night. Avery is watching a dvd about the alphabet, but even so she’s tried to get me to play twice already. She’s also pushed her way into her brother’s room, three times. He and a friend are playing games on laptops (both belong to the friend). As you can well imagine, the interference of a 2 1/2 year-old is not exactly welcome.
I do fight for the opportunity to write, but it feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day, or maybe – more likely – I’m just not managing the hours I do have very well. I am not at all grateful for perpetual interruptions, or my own piss-poor time management skills. Obviously it would be easier without Avery, but it’s hard to blame her. Also, when I’m at work, I really start to miss her little face. Braeden is in school all day, so I’m used to longer blocks of time without him (and still, the four days of Outdoor Science School tested my sanity). After just a few hours without Avery, my heart starts to ache. She may drive me crazy just by virtue of being a typical toddler, but she’s mine and I love her madly. Sometimes I sit and gaze at her face and am melted into a puddle by her beauty and her sweetness. I am so lucky.
Huh. Back to gratitude, it seems. Almost by accident.