Yesterday’s post (you know, the one with the – GASP! – Bible quote) left me thinking. I have always felt like I never quite fit, regardless of where I am. In the case of yesterday’s blog, I had two friends “like” the link on Facebook who have (to the best of my knowledge) never previously liked one of my blog posts. Both are religious, and it was obvious it was the photo of the Bible passage that caught their attention. That’s fine; I don’t have a problem with that. I did wonder if they followed the link to the post itself, and if they had, if they were put off by the combination of the religious with the (extremely) secular. Meanwhile, I know some of my more secular friends were startled and somewhat put off by my having quoted the Bible to begin with, in whatever context.
This is me, in a nutshell. One foot in each world, entirely comfortable in neither. I’m one of those people who (usually) can sense ahead of time what might offend someone. The thing is, I feel – and have always felt – a strong need to say or do exactly what I had planned regardless of what anyone else’s reaction might be. If I were the kind of person who didn’t care what anyone else thought, this would work well for me. Unfortunately, I’m not. I spend an unhealthy amount of time concerned with other people’s opinions; I’m actually quite sensitive to them. But in spite of this, I will usually go right ahead and say or do or write exactly what I want. It’s not intentional belligerence, either. It’s just me. It’s my nature. Like the fable of the scorpion and the frog, I’m going to sting even if the stinging might cause me to drown, socially-speaking.
Obviously there are a few exceptions to this. Subjects I worry so much about people’s reactions to that I never bring them up, period. For everything I express, cost be damned, there are other things I bury so deep I almost forget they’re there. Almost.
So here I am, the half-Jew going to Bible study because I’m spiritually curious, but not necessarily because I’m going to commit my life to Jesus. I’m the girl who joined the sorority after having gotten sober. I’m a 44-year-old mom with a ten-year-old son… and a two-year-old daughter. This coming fall I will have a middle schooler and a preschooler. Again, one foot in each world. Eventually, I’d like to find a world (or group of worlds) I feel completely comfortable in, or friends who are happy to let me have a foothold in multiple worlds, accepting my duality without it causing offense. I get tired of feeling like I offend people. I shouldn’t care, I suppose, but I do. Maybe I’ll eventually grow out of it. Right now that’s hard to imagine, but I’m hopeful.