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Chris got offered the temp job. Whether or not he will take it remains to be seen, as at no point (including in the email congratulating him) did they bother to mention the hourly rate. Yes, we need money. We also need the job to more than cover the gas it will take for him to commute at least an hour and 15 minutes (one way) each day. I never assume anything, so I’ll keep you posted.

The car has something wrong with its fan, again. In the interest of fairness, I should admit that I bought the car new… in 1996. Not too much has gone wrong with it in all that time, save for small, aesthetic things. I think the alternator finally went a few years back, but that was the most extreme repair it’s had. Still, the fan was repaired within the last couple of years, so this is annoying. The first place he took it to quoted him $350. The second place quoted him $250, but he then had to pay the first place $35 for the estimate. Argh. He’ll get the car back tomorrow. Joy.

In the last month, we had the a/c go on the other car, our stereo stopped playing CD’s, and tonight when I went to put the new Toad album on our ancient iPod, it wouldn’t synch. Said it did, but no. Then tried to load it into my son’s relatively new iShuffle, only to have our system declare that it – the iShuffle – needed to be reformatted. WTF?? Since the iShuffle is working fine I declined to wipe it and start over. I have no clue what’s going on. I could understand if the iPod failed; it truly is ancient. But it works fine, except for this new issue with synching. But maybe that’s a computer problem rather than an iPod problem, as the computer is also ancient. Oh, yeah, you can add Chris’ first hand-me-down laptop to the tally of things in our world which have either died altogether or have required repair in the last month.

I get it. We’re poor, and have been for ages. So the things that “normal” people do periodically, such as upgrade electronics or replace 17-year-old cars, are just not possible for us. We can’t afford upgrades. But from my vantage point, it still feels like I am watching my world fall apart, a piece at a time, and it’s terrifying. I know why it’s occurring, but I haven’t been able to do anything to fix it. So every time a small thing goes wrong, I can’t stay focused on just that thing. It’s not one domino, it’s a chain. I can’t ignore the bigger picture, which means those smaller things have the power to make me hysterical. And very, very tired.

I managed to walk tonight, for the first time in several weeks. That was good, although it left me more exhausted than it should have. It was also late, and it pushed everyone else’s schedule later. That’s the thing in a family, nothing happens in isolation. So when I want or even need to do something for myself, such as get some exercise, it impacts everyone. Dinner ends up being insanely late, and clean-up seems to take that much longer when you’re already tired. I love my family to pieces. They are my first thought in the morning and my last at night, and encompass a lot of the thoughts in between as well. But there are definitely days when I wish that every decision I made didn’t affect three other people. I feel guilty that my walking screwed up everyone’s schedule. I wanted to do it (more or less) and I needed to do it (without question), but still. It’s tough to feel like in order to make time for me I had to mess everyone else up. The joys of motherhood?

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