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The last couple of days have been strange. Even when I had time available to write, my brain refused to cooperate. Normally I am a font of endless words, but lately my head has been empty, or perhaps just not open to being translated. I haven’t been focusing well. I’m still not, but I wanted to at least give it a shot. What you get may be kind of a maelstrom of thoughts. I’m not certain if there will be anything worth saving, but regardless, here goes.

We got the new laptop in the mail today. It turned out to be a Mac, which took us both by surprise. It’s all good, or better than good, in several respects. In a perfect world, Chris would have a Mac. He grew up with Macs, but PC’s are cheaper so we’ve had them for years. It’ll be a nice change for him to be able to play around with one, even if it’s an older model. We are both so grateful to have received it from the friend who generously donated it to our cause. I guess this blog managed to accomplish something, even if I’m feeling mentally disconnected at the moment.

I continue to struggle with overeating. I went to Target hungry tonight, never a good idea. I won’t list the random food items I bought, in deference to my friends who are having a more successful time controlling their diets. I’ll just say I purchased several things I didn’t need solely based on hunger, and I ate one of them pretty much as soon as I walked in the door, and still ate dinner and dessert. You know how parents tell kids not to eat something because it will ruin their dinner? That’s never been the case for me; I can pretty much always eat. Snack, dinner, dessert, second dinner… I would have been an excellent Hobbit.

I’ve started to think about the August Toad show. It would be nice to try to use it as motivation of sorts… some kind of last-ditch attempt to get a grip on my diet. If I think about it hard enough, it might even encourage me to walk. I’ll be seeing some friends I haven’t seen in awhile, and truthfully I get tired of feeling like the “fat friend” in the group. I’m not suggesting anyone else would call me that, or even think it. It’s just how my head works, and always has. I already lack the resources to attend all the shows. Hell, I lack the resources to attend any, but I am going to one, the album release party. I spend too much time feeling “less than” in a variety of ways. I just don’t want to head into that show feeling crappy about myself physically. I know from experience that when I’m feeling lousy about my body, my ability to fully enjoy the things around me – visiting friends, an incredible concert – diminishes significantly. I don’t want that to be the case here. Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting I’m going to create some kind of unreachable goal for myself. I have only about six weeks before the show, and I’m not that silly. I’d just like to feel like I am heading in a positive direction by then. See, here’s the thing, ultimately it has nothing to do with how much I weigh or what size I am at any given point. It’s how I feel about myself that makes all the difference. And how I feel is all about my level of effort, not my level of result.

For example, I always feel instantly better every time I go back to Weight Watchers. It’s not about the five pounds or so I typically lose in the first week, either… no one can see that small amount of change anyway. It’s about what happens in my head the minute I shift my mindset and make the attempt to do something. When I am eating healthier or getting some exercise, even if the amount is minimal, it still causes an important shift in my attitude. I start feeling better. That’s what I would like to see happen before the show. Because in truth, short of contracting some sort of wasting disease between then and now, I am still likely to be the largest of my friends. That won’t change radically in six weeks, so what really needs to undergo a radical change is my outlook.

Okay, that wasn’t where I thought my mind was headed. I guess I could say “You never know what you’re gonna get,” Forest Gump-style, but then my mind would go instantly to the box of chocolates, and I don’t want that.

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