Well, I am officially uncomfortable, a first for me on here. Strangely, it’s not the talk of the possible sexual abuse that has me squirming. That feels removed, like something that may or may not have happened to someone else. I’m so detached from it it feels like secondhand information, or lack of information. Basically I approach it with so much denial I can write about it without wincing. Much. On the other hand, my issues with kissing are current. There’s no detachment there at all. Talking about this leaves me feeling as exposed as if I’d decided to remove a piece of clothing in public. Why did I think discussing it would be a good idea? It definitely doesn’t feel like it in hindsight. The urge to delete it is strong, but what would be the point? The Internet is forever.
I read someone else’s blog earlier, and that person was exceedingly honest. I suppose that might be what prompted me… maybe I saw it as a challenge of sorts. If the other blogger could be that brave, why couldn’t I? It wasn’t the first time I’ve freaked out after sharing something, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. It’s easy to panic over a decision after it’s already too late to change it. Granted, it’s a whole lot scarier when you’ve just sent whatever you’ve decided to share out into the general public. I’ve had total meltdowns after having sent something to only one person, if the thing in question was something I had been afraid to share. Panic, nausea, the works. In the end, I’ve been lucky in that when I have chosen to be that vulnerable, the person on the other end was a safe choice. The meltdowns turned out to be unnecessary.
Writing has always given me a false sense of security. When you know you won’t be immediately facing someone (or in the case of blogging, ever facing most people) it’s easier to say just about anything. I try to read everything I post here at least five times before I post it. It’s a reasonably good way of forcing myself to think before I share. Still, I’m sure there will be moments when I will read something I’ve already put out there and I’ll regret the decision. Right now I am feeling very exposed, and a little embarrassed. There’s nothing to be done except to accept that and move forward. I’ll get over it.