Chris did work today, all day. He should in theory still be busy tomorrow, which is certainly a good thing. He did mention possibly being there very late though, which is somewhat annoying. The problem is that if he stays late to rush one project out and no next project awaits, he won’t work the next day. As overtime in California is only for hours worked beyond 40, even if he were there until 9 PM he wouldn’t receive overtime pay for those late hours if he didn’t end up working the entire week. This system, such as it is, is aggravating. I am not ungrateful for any and all money coming in, though. We certainly need it. Picking and choosing which bills to pay sucks. Getting ominous FedEx packages from your mortgage company is awful. I feel like there is an ax hanging above my head. I keep trying to dodge it, but it seems to be following me around. Given how many times we have gone through this process – Chris finding a job and it seeming as if our luck has finally improved, and then having everything go wrong within a matter of days (or weeks, or even months, once) – it feels like we have done something to piss off the universe. It feels personal, like we repel prosperity, somehow.
Oh, wait, this post is supposed to be about counting my blessings, not the reverse. Whoops. Okay, again, Chris did work today. That’s obviously a blessing. Avery slept late AND took a two-hour nap. That was mildly spectacular. I am writing again, which is a good thing… maybe even a great one. People seem to be reading it, which is amazing to me. I even have a couple of syndicated readers, which is crazy. I had to look the term up, because I had no idea what it meant. I mean, I know what syndication is, clearly, but I had trouble relating it to my blog in any way. Someone is interested enough in what I write to make certain they don’t miss it. That’s mind-blowing.
I’ve been feeling slightly sharper, lately. I don’t think it’s just the writing, although that probably doesn’t hurt. Part of it might be that since Chris got this job, I’ve been less depressed. Even with all of the problems that have come up, things seem clearer. Internal settings which were dialed down (or maybe even off entirely) for quite awhile seem to have been turned back up several notches. It’s an unusual feeling. And no, I’m not just talking about sex, to all the dirty-minded people out there. I’m talking about coming out of depression, which is another thing entirely. Depression, at least for me, is like a very heavy fog, so thick it feels a bit like being underwater. It makes everything duller, slower. Movement, thought, the works. It’s not like I haven’t had occasional good moments even in the midst of everything, but overall things have been mostly foggy for a long time. If your eyes are used to fog, clear skies, while appreciated, seem intense, almost painful. Colors seem richer, textures seem… more textural, I guess. It’s like waking up from a very long sleep. It’s a relief, I suppose, but it’s also a lot to process. I was wondering if I was suffering from situational or clinical depression, and I suppose it was situational, because I feel different now. There are advantages and disadvantages… it’s not like our lives are perfect, so all of the bad stuff that comes down the pike I also feel more strongly. Depression sucks, but it also envelops me in a cotton batting of sorts, protecting me from things that are hard to deal with. Coming out of depression means there’s no more protection, and that’s hard. Good, but hard. I am definitely counting it among my blessings, regardless.
This was a bit more stream-of-consciousness than I intended. Someday I swear I’ll pick a topic and stick to it assiduously. Keep tuning in, and maybe you’ll catch it.